The Truth About Toddler Tantrums (And How to Get Through Them)

At peak tantrum age (roughly 18 months to 3 years), your toddler's prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for rational thought and emotional regulation, is still in the early stages of development. They are not being manipulative. They are being neurologically overwhelmed.

Understanding this changes everything.

Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?

Two parts of the brain are central. The amygdala processes emotions like fear and frustration, while the prefrontal cortex handles impulse control and calming those signals down, and in young children it's still years from full maturity. On top of that, toddlers have strong opinions and a growing drive for independence, but limited language and motor skills to express or achieve what they want. That gap between what they want and what they can do is a recipe for frustration.

Tantrums are also extremely common. One review of the research reports that 87% of 18- to 24-month-olds and 91% of 30- to 36-month-olds have tantrums, and about 20% of two-year-olds have at least one every day. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) notes that children have tantrums to get things they need, normally and naturally, between the ages of 1 and 3, and that they tend to get better after age 3, though they don't disappear entirely.

Hunger, tiredness and overstimulation are common triggers. If you know your toddler is tired, it's not the best time to squeeze in one more errand, and hungry children are more likely to demand food in the shop.

What Works

1. Stay calm yourself

Shouting at a child to calm down is likely to make things worse, and a child who sees loud, angry outbursts may copy them. As one paediatrician puts it, children have far fewer emotional regulation skills than adults, so it's up to you to stay calm in order to help them become calm. A regulated parent helps a dysregulated toddler settle faster.

Try this: Take a breath and pause before you speak or act. If you feel yourself losing it, it's okay to step back for a moment (as long as your child is safe).

2. Don't reason mid-meltdown

The AAP's guidance says a child in meltdown mode can't think logically, so it isn't the time to go over the rules. Use as few words as possible, hold your ground calmly, and save the conversation for later. Once your child quiets down, calmly explain your rules.

Try this: "I know it's hard. I'm right here." Then wait. Talk about it after the storm has passed, using simple words.

3. Offer limited choices

Giving your child control over little things can help during a tantrum. The AAP suggests small, directed choices with options rather than yes/no questions. Distraction can help too: move to a new room, offer a different toy or sing a silly song.

Try this: "Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?" or "Shall we walk or hop to the car?"

4. Acknowledge the feeling

Toddlers aren't yet mature enough to understand emotions, but tantrums are a learning opportunity, and it can be very helpful to label their feelings. "You really wanted that biscuit. I know that's disappointing." You're not agreeing that they can have it. You're showing them that the feeling makes sense and giving them words they'll use later.

5. Keep everyone safe

If your child is upset but safe, sit nearby and stay calm until it passes. If behaviour is dangerous, such as hitting, kicking or running towards a road, calmly hold your child or move them somewhere safe. Don't ignore behaviours like hitting, kicking, biting or throwing, and remove your child from the situation if you need to. For children who are at risk of hurting themselves or others, ignoring isn't appropriate.

6. Prevent what you can

  • Keep a healthy snack with you if tantrums peak when your child is hungry, and protect nap times even if it means missing something.
  • Give a five-minute warning before transitions, such as when it's time to finish playing or leave the park.
  • Keep routines consistent. Consistency from day to day is one of the biggest factors in reducing how often tantrums happen.

What Doesn't Work

Shouting, shaming, or extended time-outs

  • Shouting tends to escalate things, as above. Hitting or spanking is also discouraged by paediatric guidance.
  • Extended time-outs don't add benefit. If you use time-out, a common guideline is about one minute per year of age, with 3–5 minutes being plenty, and it works best as part of a broader approach that includes positive feedback and clear consequences.
  • Shaming teaches children to hide feelings rather than manage them. (This point is general parenting guidance rather than something I found in a single study.)

Giving in every time

Giving in can teach children that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want, and children who learn that a behaviour works are more likely to use it as they get older. Being consistent on safety issues matters most.

That said, you don't have to win every battle. The AAP suggests choosing your battles and accommodating when you can. Sometimes giving in a little is okay, and consistency over time is what counts. When the answer is no, keep your explanation brief.

A Note on "Ignoring"

Some medical sources recommend calmly ignoring tantrums that are clearly aimed at getting attention, and Johns Hopkins Medicine advises that if you start actively ignoring, you need to ignore all the way through to the end. But not every tantrum is the same. Tantrums driven by exhaustion, hunger or illness aren't appropriate to ignore. Ask yourself what's behind it: comfort, a nap or snack, a boundary, or attention.

When to Talk to a Doctor

Most tantrums are a normal part of development. Most children begin to have fewer of them by around age 3½. It's worth speaking to your GP or paediatrician if:

  • Tantrums get worse after age 4
  • Your child regularly hurts themselves or others during tantrums
  • They hold their breath to the point of fainting
  • Tantrums are very frequent and long-lasting. One review estimates that about 5–7% of 1- to 3-year-olds have tantrums lasting at least 15 minutes, three or more times a week, and professional guidance can help.
  • You're worried, or your child seems very anxious or distressed around them

Frequently Asked Questions

Are toddler tantrums normal?
Yes. Nearly all toddlers have them, and they usually peak between 18 months and 3 years.

Is my toddler doing this to manipulate me?
Early tantrums are driven by overwhelm and an immature brain, not manipulation. However, any behaviour that reliably gets a result can be repeated, which is why consistency matters.

How long do tantrums last?
Every child is different. Many pass within a few minutes, and they tend to become less frequent from around age 3.

Should I use time-out?
Some paediatric sources suggest brief time-outs for safety issues or repeated forbidden behaviour, but they shouldn't be your only tool. Keep them short, calm and consistent.

What about tantrums in public?
Stay calm, move somewhere safe or quiet if you can, and follow the same steps. Every parent has been there.

You're Doing Better Than You Think

Tantrums are hard, loud and often embarrassing, and they're also a normal, temporary stage. Your calm, consistent presence helps your toddler learn, bit by bit, that big feelings can be survived.

For deeper guidance on toddler behaviour, emotional development, and building cooperation without power struggles, explore our Toddler Years collection.

References and Further Reading

This article is for general information and is not medical advice. If you're worried about your child's behaviour or development, speak to your GP or paediatrician.

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